Big world, great thinks

Sorry for missing so many days of recording my thoughts.

You know, sometimes, I don’t know how to start.

I told my friends and someone who care about me, 2009 is the most tough year for me. It was because of the direction of my own life not because I am really leading lives as Haiti people after the heavy earthquake.

I agree the idea that a man need something to depend on in his mind. You know, no matter you believe in God or Buddha, you have something to believe. But for me, since the start of 2009 until today, I have nothing to believe. This is the tough thing. When you have nothing to believe or chase, you don’t know what to do next.

I keep thinking of my life, my 27 years of life. Something I did wrong, something I did right. I feel I am the one that always hate myself. I hope I am perfect, no matter my face or my heart, no matter my work or my family life. But none is perfect. I said, you must accept who you are and love yourself. How to love? I always feel failure of my life. I cannot love the failed self though I accept.

Canon told me try to do some trade, he feels that I will be successful in some field. I promised him but I did nothing. I don’t know.

I know everyone may face such kind of problems. I believe every problem will not be what it seems to be. Go, Nana.

This is a crazy world, try not to be crazy.

I asked 28 days off from my work for extrauterine pregnancy and the operation.

In this duration, I didn’t stop thinking about my life, my work and myself. I am thinking why I am leading such kind of life. I am thinking of what should I do for my life, the journey that no one have twice.

I felt bad since last year, however, I did nothing to change it. I promised to make some thing changes last year, but I did nothing except read some books. I am thinking of everything I promised to myself. Well, I don’t want to scold myself or comlain. I know that is not helpful at all. All what I want is how to make it better in 2010.

I know my soul world is not that strong as I imagined. I always influenced easily by people and environment around me. It is not good. But I accept who I am. I couldn’t be another one. All what I coud do is change myself. Try to change the bad things to be good things.

I will never quit.